16. Coming out in faith
Updated: May 11
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For the past few decades, "coming out of the closet"—revealing one's same-sex attraction (SSA) to family, friends, and even to strangers—has been heralded as a major developmental step in a person's authenticity. In many cases, especially among the famous, it is now tradition to "come out" by way of a grand announcement on social media. These announcements typically make national and international headlines and are met with overwhelming public acclaim.
Origins of "coming out"
The idea of "coming out" as we know it today has been around for several decades. In 1953, President Dwight D. Eisenhower issued an executive order defining "sexual perversion" as grounds from termination from federal jobs. When thousands of federal employees were terminated or forced to resign for being same-sex attracted, the closet became a symbol of remaining hidden in what has become known as the Lavender Scare.
On October 11, 1988, amid growing acceptance of homosexuality and openly gay lifestyles, a pair of psychologists founded "National Coming Out Day." Its purpose was to bring visibility to those hiding their sexual orientation, and to help destigmatize same-sex attraction.
Truth meets authenticity
The Christian response to coming out of the closet is understandably mixed. On the one hand, Christians acknowledge the importance of telling the truth, especially the truth about oneself, so that one knows how to come before God for prayer and intercession. Augustine of Hippo (354–430 AD) taught in his Confessions that hiding details of oneself from others is a form of pride:
For a man is truly humble when he does not hide what he is from his fellow men, for fear that they might think him something other than he is.
Granted, the experience of same-sex attraction is not what a person "is," but Augustine is not being picky with his words here. We should read his statement as referring to anything a person may be dealing with at any given time.
That said, something as sensitive as sexual brokenness is best shared as privately as possible, rather than blasted from the rooftops as the ultimate expression of "authenticity." Coming to terms with one's same-sex attraction also needs to be done with proper perspective. A common thread in coming-out announcements is the embracing of one's "true identity." A Christian's identity, however, is in Christ and Christ alone. All other identities burden us and return us to the slavery of our pre-justified condition:
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
—Galatians 5: 1
This raises the question as to whether there is even a right way for a Christian experiencing SSA to come out of the closet. Let's take a look at the reasons coming out may be an appropriate choice for a Christianwho experiences SSA, and how doing so could actually be a form of Christian witness.
Why come out?
For everything there is a time to be silent and a time to speak. —Ecclesiastes 3: 7
Coming out may be right for a Christian who experiences SSA when it serves their faithful witness in gentleness and humility. This means when it has the greatest chance of showing their love and devotion to God, and can be done in a way that shows others the power of the Holy Spirit moving in both compassion and truth. Coming out may not serve this purpose in every area of a person's life, so they should also consider the question of who they come out to.
Who should you come out to?
When coming out, you want to confide in those you trust (Proverbs 11: 13). Naturally, your first act of coming out should be to God, who is the most trustworthy of all:
Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
—Psalm 62: 8
You also want to give fellow Christians the opportunity to share your burdens (Galatians 6: 2). Telling a trusted person about your SSA may help them understand your patterns of interaction with members of the same sex and members of the opposite sex. It can provide an opportunity to ask for prayer specific to your circumstances. It can simply be comforting to know that someone else is aware of your situation. Ask yourself who might be suited to come alongside you in this. Here are a few people to consider:
Trusted church leaders. It's appropriate to bring your concerns to spiritual leaders (Hebrews 13: 17), especially those you believe are wise enough to receive them and return truthful compassionate counsel. Coming out to a trusted leader gives them an opportunity to pray for you in circumstances that may be unique within the congregation.
Christian parents and siblings. These are the people who probably know you best and have the greatest stake in your success and happiness. How effective will your witness be by sharing the fact of your SSA with them? What positive benefit will it have for your faith walk with them and theirs with you?
Close Christian friends. These friends are your social circle and your support group, and since they have chosen you despite your flaws and failings, they may be especially suited to receiving your witness to them with compassion. Coming out to a few Christian friends can also simply be practical, since it can help them understand your lack of interest in dating or seeking an opposite-sex partner for marriage.
Spouse. This could be the hardest person of all to come out to, since they could see it as an act of betrayal or even worse. Coming out to one's spouse need not be a deal-breaker, however. I personally know many men and women in opposite-sex marriages that did not end after they shared the fact of heir SSA with their partner. These marriages are not without unique challenges and sacrifices, but coming out to a spouse need not mark the end of a marriage.
It may be appropriate also to come out to people outside your circle of Christian family and friends. In these instances, doing so should be determined by practicality and done with few words, with gentleness, and with humility. For example, a work colleague may express interest in you romantically. In that situation, it may be appropriate to tell them you're not interested and also—if the Spirit leads—why you aren't interested: because you experience SSA. But there is no need to explain or to witness in this way unless the Spirit actually leads it.
How should you go about it?
All our actions and words must be informed and guided by the Holy Spirit. In our interactions with others, we are to be gently and humbly responsive (1 Peter 3: 15), gracious, and "seasoned with salt" (Colossians 4: 6). We are also to speak the truth—in love (Ephesians 4: 15). Speaking the truth in love refers not only to how we proclaim the gospel but also to how we relate to those around us. Coming out should therefore be done in a spirit of outward-directed gentleness and humility—the polar opposite of the exhibitionistic oversharing that is so common these days on social media. The Bible warns us repeatedly not to overshare:
Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.
—Proverbs 10: 19
The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues. —Proverbs 17: 27-28
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.
—Proverbs 21: 23
As tempting as it may be to conform to the world's pattern of coming out by way of a grand announcement made to an audience of hundreds, thousands, or even millions, coming out for a Christian should be done quietly and within a specifically Christian frame of heart and mind. It should be an act of love, for God first, and then for the person with whom you are sharing. Since you follow Christ, it is essential to let fellow Christians know what your SSA means for your faith and lifestyle going forward. It is also essential to let others know what your SSA means for them. I suggest you build your coming out statement around three key points:
Statement: the fact of your same-sex attraction
Witness: your intention to remain true to God's standard of sexual purity
Connection: open the door to a deeper level of Christian relationship
These three elements will keep your statement properly focused and will also help people see that your statement is a witness for faith and not against faith. Depending on your specific circumstances, your statement might sound something like this:
I'm attracted to people of the same sex. I can't seem to change these attractions, but I can control my response to them. I want you to know that I'm committed to following Christ in purity. I feel God wants you to know about this so you can understand me and my faith walk better, and so you can keep me in your prayers.
For a Christian, coming out is an act of love—but not in the same way as it is for the world. While worldly coming out is self-facing and often boastful, coming out for a Christian is subject to one's identity in Christ, is directed toward the listener with gentleness and humility, and is above all a form of witness. The end goal for both speaker and hearer is greater faith, greater love, and greater relationship.
For discussion:
Why do you think "coming out" to others is so often interlaced with a statement of identity? Why is this kind of statement harmful to a person's Christian witness?
What risks does a person face when coming out to a fellow Christian? What risks are faced by the person who hears the confession? How can these risks be mitigated in the moment?
Some have criticized the pastoral position outlined in this article for forcing people to remain in the closet rather than be fully and authentically known in and thourghout society. How do you respond to that criticism?
