15. What about pronouns?

The use of "affirming" pronouns began in the mid 2010s, gaining cultural traction soon after the Obergefell v. Hodges ruling (2015), which legalized same-sex marriage in the United States. At that time, a renewed interest in sexual identity encouraged authenticity in the ways people perceived themselves and expressed themselves to others. This included the increased use of pronouns (he, she, they) that a person felt were a better "match" than the one associated with their biological sex. Since then, pronoun use has expanded to include "neopronouns" like ze, xe, per, ey. According to the UCMerced website, respecting a person's chosen pronouns is a basic act of respect:

Utilizing gender inclusive language demonstrates that you respect for individuals who identify on the gender expansive spectrum ad starts to address prejudice and discrimination.

A Christian response

What is the proper response if a person's chosen pronouns conflict with their biological sex? Should we use their non-conforming pronouns as a gesture of respect? Or should we stick to the biological pronouns we know to be true? The real question here is whether using a person’s non-conforming pronouns somehow ratifies or supports that person's self-image in a sinful that is sinful for me. There is reason to be cautious about condoning error in another. We are warned, for example, not to participate in the sins and falsehoods of others:

[D]o not share in the sins of others. Keep yourself pure.

—1 Timothy 5: 22

Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.

—Ephesians 5: 11

I will not look with approval on anything that is vile. I hate what faithless people do; I will have no part in it. The perverse of heart shall be far from me; I will have nothing to do with what is evil.

—Psalm 101: 3–4

So how should we respond? Author and pastor Sam Allberry offers an excellent solution. He directs our attention to two apparently contradictory verses in the Book of Proverbs that deal with “answering a fool”:

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him.

—Proverbs 26: 4

Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.

—Proverbs 26: 5

These verses, which lie side by side, are plainly contradictory. Sam proposes that they were not intended to contradict each other but rather to empower the faithful to use discernment in deciding how to deal with fools. Whether or not we adopt a person's non-conforming pronouns depends on circumstances, as Sam explains:

This is a wisdom issue. In one situation it might be wise to do one thing and in another situation it might be wise to do the opposite thing. So because of that I don’t think I can say it’s always wrong to use someone’s chosen pronouns, and I don’t think I can say it’s always right to.

Finding the Spirit

Simon Byrne of True Freedom Trust offers a list of five questions that can help assess circumstances and make a truthful yet compassionate decision regarding the use of someone's non-conforming pronouns:

1. What does the person believe about God? Does the person have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ? If not, we may be more comfortable using their preferred pronouns as we wouldn’t expect them to be familiar with what the Bible teaches about sex/gender.

2. What does the person believe about themselves? Asking this question shows genuine interest in the person and helps us to understand where the request is coming from. This will help us decide what we are communicating by using/not using the person’s pronouns.

3. What age is the person? There are additional considerations if the person making the request is under 18. Here, we could argue that using preferred pronouns could reinforce a child’s connection to a worldview they are not yet fully equipped to explore. We are aware of cases of children transitioning socially at a young age, who then change their minds as they go through the puberty associated with their biological sex. This might be a reason not to use a child’s preferred pronouns.

4. How severe is the person’s sense of gender incongruence? We cannot deny the genuine distress that some people experience related to their sense of gender. For some, using the pronouns associated with their biological sex will trigger intense feelings of dysphoria. We may choose to use their preferred pronouns to avoid causing unnecessary distress.

5. What pronouns are they asking us to use? While some may wish for us to use the pronouns associated with the opposite sex, others may prefer to use pronouns that are neither male nor female, such as they/them. We may be more comfortable accommodating these requests.

Denny Burk, President of the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, offers a plainly practical solution that acknowledges the fact that pronouns are not often needed in day-to-day conversation:

When it comes to pronouns, really the issue is not when you’re talking to someone but when you’re talking about them. So if you’re talking to someone who is trying to identify as transgender and you’re at work, you’ll say ‘me,’ you’ll say ‘you,’ but those aren’t gendered pronouns. It’s when you’re talking about that person to colleagues or coworkers where it comes up, and I think Christians have the freedom, if they want to not pursue the conflict in a given situation, just to use the person’s name.

For discussion:

1. Why do you think the writer of Proverbs gives conflicting advice with regard to addressing the folly of others?

2. What you think it means to "share in the sin" of another person (1 Timothy 5: 22)?

3. Review Simon Byrne's five questions and consider under what circumstances you feel most comfortable using a person's non-conforming pronouns. Under what circumstances would you feel least comfortable? In both cases, explain why.