10. The call to singleness

Singleness is sexual abstinence, the denial of sexual relations of any kind. A single Christian gives up sex as an ongoing act of devotion to God, particularly in anticipation of the coming Kingdom of God. Many same-sex attracted Christians choose singleness as the most obedient and realistic choice for their lives. It is not an easy choice, and the single life can be lonely at times. But so can married life. God does not promise any person a life of easy connections, whether with a spouse, with family, or with friends. What He offers is a life of connection with Him, and a life of fellowship with other seekers.

The origins of singleness

Traditionally, singleness has been called celibacy and has been practiced in community, with spiritual direction and disciplined prayer. All three elements are essential, since the pursuit of singleness is counter-cultural and involves developing Christ-focused discipline over the long term. The path of singleness taken by Christians today is also quite different from that taken by monks over the centuries: whereas monks have usually undertaken celibacy voluntarily, Christians who experience SSA may feel “forced” into singleness. It is worth keeping in mind, however, that the singleness to which Christians who experience SSA are called is the only one of the three types described by Jesus that is, in fact, freely chosen. Recall His phrasing: “those who choose to live like eunuchs” (Matthew 19: 12, emphasis added). Singleness may be chosen or not. Likewise, the eunuch in Isaiah 56: 4 to whom God promises “a memorial and a name better than sons and daughters” is one who chooses singleness.

It is the element of choice that makes this variety of singleness all the more precious to God from a Kingdom perspective. Such disciplined, ongoing renewal of one’s choice to deny oneself is, in fact, the mark of a disciple of Christ:

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”

—Luke 9: 23

Self-denial as a discipline also responds to Paul’s charge to all the faithful not to use our freedom to selfish ends, but rather in service of God’s Kingdom:

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.

—Galatians 5: 13

The irony is that singleness does not imprison us, but rather frees us:

For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.

—Romans 6: 6–7

Our choice to respond to God by embracing singleness is precious to God because it mirrors His own choice to draw us to Himself:

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

—Ephesians 1: 4–6

Notice the emphasis in the above quotation on God’s sovereign choice, done “in accordance with his pleasure and will,” and the adoption to sonship that He has “freely given us.” Our choice to live a single life is just one of many ways we can respond to God’s choice to redeem us through Christ.

Singleness as a God-honoring vocation

By choosing to forgo marriage and sexual relations “for the sake of the kingdom of heaven,” a person lives in anticipation of a future state in which all believers will stand singly before God:

“At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.”

—Matthew 22: 30

“The people of this age marry and are given in marriage. But those who are considered worthy of taking part in the age to come and in the resurrection from the dead will neither marry nor be given in marriage, and they can no longer die; for they are like the angels. They are God’s children, since they are children of the resurrection.”

—Luke 20: 34–36

Those who live today as if the Kingdom has already come join the crowd of believers through history who have longed for things to come, such as Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, and Jacob. The writer of the book of Hebrews tells us:

All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

—Hebrews 11: 13–16

The Apostle Paul (who was single; 1 Corinthians 7: 1-7) describes the “groaning” as we await the future in which God’s Kingdom is fully established:

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved.

—Romans 8: 22–24

For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling.

—2 Corinthians 5: 1–2

Wesley Hill, an Episcopal priest and professor of New Testament who experiences SSA, offers this perspective on singleness (as celibacy) in the context of God’s Kingdom:

Jesus chose to practice celibacy himself and commend it to others as a radical sign of the turning of the ages…. As most scholars now recognize, Jesus’ practice, along with his encouragement of some of his followers to choose celibacy, is not a timeless asceticism but rather an eschatologically charged symbol of the lateness of the hour and the significance of his advent (pp. 185–86).

In other words, the lives of Jesus, John the Baptist, Paul, Jeremiah, Naomi, and numerous others point us to God’s future Kingdom. By responding to the call to singleness, we align ourselves with these individuals and assert our longing for Christ’s eternal reign.

For discussion:

1. There is an idea in modern culture that singleness is an aberration, even though most people spend a decade or longer as singles before marrying, and many remain single throughout their lives for any number of reasons, some chosen, some not. Where do you think the idea originates that it is abnormal to be single?

2. In what ways might the Church restore honor to singleness? Can this be done without lessening the value of marriage?

3. What do you think Wesley Hill means when he argues that the choice to embrace singleness is an "eschatologically charged symbol of the lateness of the hour and the significance of [Christ's] advent"? Can you think of any other Christian practices or viewpoints that attest to the "lateness of the hour" in this way?